Friday

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

September 30 is... National Mud Pack Day

Do you remember...

1 - Blackjack chewing gum
2 - Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3 - Candy cigarettes
4 - Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5 - Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6 - Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7 - Party telephone lines
8 - Newsreels before the movie
9 - P.F. Flyers
10 - Butch wax
11 - Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Liberty - 3866)
12 - Peashooters
13 - Howdy Doody
14 - 45 RPM records
15 - S&H Green Stamps
16 - Hi-Fi's
17 - Metal ice trays with levers
18 - Mimeograph paper
19 - Blue flashbulbs
20 - Beanie and Cecil
21 - Roller skate keys
22 - Cork popguns
23 - Drive-ins
24 - Studebakers
25 - Wash tub wringers

And here's what it means:

If you remembered:
0-5: You're still young
6-10: You are getting older
11-15: Don't tell your age
15-20: You are getting up there
21-25: Congratulations! I hope to live as long as you!

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

You might be a redneck if…

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my house.

Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. Next month I go back to the cupboard...and again...there is only one tampon left again. What's going on? Gremlins?

I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them?

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!"

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them for?"

The Gershwin brothers, George and Ira, recently visited a town where Puff Daddy Combs (now Diddly Poo, or something like that), Eminem, and the late Tupac Shakur were head lining a local music festival. Early in the morning, a beautiful azure haze covered everything. Thus inspired, they came up with the perfect name for the place

Rap City in Blue.