Thursday

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
A true story if you can believe it. Want to guess her hair color?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to thefirst man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to goto heaven?""Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do youwant to go to heaven?"O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me thatwhen you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were gettinga group together to go right now."

Anti-Stress kit Toothpick: To remind you to "pick out" the good qualities in others and yourself and to be tolerant and accepting of the differences of others.

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:
"If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A sheriff in a small town walked out in the street and saw a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrested him for indecent exposure. As he was locking him up he asked "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy said, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asked me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.

"We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt, .... so I did....

"Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants... so I did...

"Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did...

"Then she got on the bed, looked at me kind of funny and said, Now go to town cowboy....

"So here I am!"

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever financed a tattoo.

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his butler at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home...

"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My dear Clyde died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good Lord! How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down, too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. Candle? Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake..."

"Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Dear Lord,

Every evening

As I'm lying here in bed

This tiny little prayer

Keeps running through my head

God bless my mom and dad

And bless my little pup

And look out for my sister

When things aren't looking up

And God, there's one more thing

I wish that you could do

Hope you don't mind me asking

But please bless my computer too?

Now I know that's not normal

To bless a mother board

But just listen a second

While I explain to you 'My Lord'

You see, that little metal box

Holds more to me than odds ends

Inside those small compartments

Rest all of my 'BEST FRIENDS'

I know for sure they like me

By the kindness that they give

And this little scrap of metal

Is how I travel to where they live

By faith is how I know them

Much the same as you

I share in what life brings them

From that our friendship grew

Please take an extra minute

From your duties up above

To bless this scrap of metal

That's filled with so much love!

~by Ruth Bourdon~