Monday

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini.

"Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!"

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission; it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized then that I should have been A LOT clearer with my directions.

Life will sometimes hand you a magical moment. Savor it!

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

Cats Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for the toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back.
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule.
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

You might be a redneck if…

Your screen door has no screen.

I CANNOT GO TO SCHOOL TODAY
by Shel Silverstein

Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
And there's one more-
...that's seventeen!
And don't you think
...my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue-
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched,
...my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.

My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my spine is weak.
I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent-
...my spine ain't straight.
My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is-

...WHAT? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is...Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea:

since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?"

To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."