Tuesday

Men are like slinkies.......not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.

"Calling Aunt Sarah."

"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."

"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?"

"She told me I had the wrong number!"

"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet it cuts off your circulation!"

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."

The other day I saw this story about chickens in a magazine.

Did you know they have yellow eyes? True. And now some clever person has come up with an idea to fit the chickens with red contact lenses. I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the guy who came up with the idea said it makes them eat less, lay more, and stop hen pecking so much.

Of course, once word of this gets around, rose colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives.

You might be a redneck if…

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon. The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they went to bed that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while. A couple of hours later she was really horny, so she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.

"What's the matter," he asked.

She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your side."

The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed. He then got in on her side and went to sleep.

A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.

"What now?" he asked.

She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side."

Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.

She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me and I will scoot across the bed?"

He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.

"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him tightly while squirming a bit underneath his old body.

He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't going to get it!"

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises.

The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."