Thursday

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

Yes, I replied, that was a good analogy.

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
''Port Left, Starboard Right´´

Bizarre Toilet Facts

Sir John Harington invented the toilet for Queen Elizabeth I after she banned him from her court for circulating smutty stories. So she allowed him to return.

The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.

The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention; the Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.

In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood: the well-to-do sat on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.

"Psycho" was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing - thereby generating many complaints.

The town council of Cheltenham Spa once voted to replace the words Men and Women on their public toilets with Ladies and Gentlemen in order to "attract a better class of person."

An American jeweler has built the world's most expensive toilet, made of gold, diamonds, rubies and emeralds, with a mink seat - it costs $175,000.

Before the invention of toilet paper, people used shells or stones, bunches of herbs, or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.

You might be a redneck if…

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element tentatively has been named "Corporatium". Corporatium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Corporatium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Corporatium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Corporatium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Corporatium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Corporatium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...

The most DANGEROUS Snake in the WORLD!!!

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.