Monday

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

Thoughts for women

Don't imagine you can change a man -
unless he's in diapers.

If they put a man on the moon -
they should be able to put them all up there.

Never let your man's mind wander -
it's too little to be out alone.

Men are all the same -
they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor:
a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Best way to get a man to do something -
suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind -
but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man -
look in a mental hospital.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

September is... National Papaya Month

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up.
"Wow," he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"

It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left, The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face.
He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."

You might be a redneck if…

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A lady's husband dies. She heads to the funeral home to make arrangements. She's emphatic that the arrangements must be done with elegance, and attention to detail.

"For example," she tells the funeral director, "I want no wooden chairs. Only padded ones. All the comforts possible to be extended to the mourners. Have the air conditioning set to a perfect 72 degrees. The flowers should be beautiful, yet not overpowering in their scent."

The funeral director takes it all down.

The day of the funeral the widow is examining the viewing room. She notices that the funeral director has not yet turned on the air conditioner. She orders the director to turn it on so that when the viewing starts, the room will be a perfect temperature.

As soon as the air conditioner is on, though, she notices her deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in the breeze caused by the air conditioner. "This won't do!" She orders the director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she'll just wait in the outer office for ten minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 600 seconds. Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place.

A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem. She calls to inquire as to why. She's told that it was "on the house." "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a price!"

"Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees. He holds the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie, how much did that nail cost to put that toupee in place last month?"

Random Cartoon Title: Laptop Design