Sunday

Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.

One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.

Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham and eggs?"

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

Cruciverbalist: 14-letter word for crossword maniac.

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

The four men at the card table were being bothered by an irritating know-it-all. When the troublesome talker stepped into the next room, one of the players suggested, "This next hand let’s make up a game nobody ever heard of, he won’t know what the hell we’re playing and maybe that will shut him up."

When the know-it-all returned, the dealer tore the top two cards in half and gave them to the man on his right; he tore the corners off the next three cards and placed them before the next player, face up; he tore the next five cards in quarters, gave fifteen pieces to the third man, four to himself and put the last piece in the center of the table.

Looking intently at four small pieces of card in his hand, the dealer said, "I have a mingle, so I think I’ll bet a dollar."

The second man stared at the pasteboards scattered before him. "I have a snazzle," he announced, "so I’ll raise you a dollar."

The third man folded without betting and the fourth, after due deliberation, said, "I’ve a farfle, so I’ll raise you two dollars."

The know-it-all shook his head slowly from side to side. "You’re crazy," he said, "you’re never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle."

You might be a redneck if…

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick."
"OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" we asked.
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.