Saturday

The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out.

"Honey," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Compliment even small improvements.

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.

One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.

"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.

"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"

Complaints from Mrs. Claus:

1. He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or nice. . .
but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out? NooOOooo.

2. That whole "knows if you've been bad or good" thing makes it mighty hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid.

3. One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and all the bars are closed.

4. Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up after reindeer. . . meanwhile, fatboy sits around 364 days out of the year and gets all the glory.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,

I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet

Far from the daily family riot

May I lie backnot have to think

about what they're stuffing down the sink,

or who they're with,

or where they're stand

what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfishdead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean

(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know

I must have lost them long ago!

~Author Unknown~

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Random Cartoon Title: Broken Brakes