Sunday

My father once told me of the time he was a little careless in a restaurant. It seems that between the appetizer and the entree he had occasion to go to the lavatory. Shortly after returning, the waiter brought his main course, and while serving managed to surreptitiously pass my father a note, the contents of which were as follows:

"Please, Sir, excuse this intrusion. I noticed that a few minutes ago you paid a visit to the lavatory. Unfortunately, in your haste to return to your food and your companions you failed to adjust your clothing properly. As a result, I couldn't help noticing that your penis is hanging out of your fly. By now, I will have gone to the other side of the restaurant, where I will pick up a stack of plates. In a moment I shall drop these plates, thus creating a distraction and allowing you to adjust yourself unobserved."

"PS: I love you."

After a close friend moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in her favorite chat room and would type for hours.

One night, I had a high fever and swollen larynx and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note canceling our cyber-plans, then fell exhausted into bed.

My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. "If you don't want to go on the 'Net with me," she said, "just say so."

Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her. It read, "I won't be able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis."

March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day

Dear Friend,

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men. . . and some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!! One woman did, and received her own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers36 hours to get the smile off of her face.

We're counting on you,
A. Satisfied Woman

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Bizarre Kissing Facts

A study by a Canadian anthropologist demonstrated that 97 percent of women shut their eyes during a kiss but only 37 percent of men did. The late actor Anthony Quinn had an explanation: "Many a husband kisses with his eyes wide open. He wants to make sure his wife is not around to catch him."

Kissing on the lips is something the Romans started. A husband returning from work would kiss his wife's lips to see if she'd been drinking during the day. In fact, the Romans were so keen on kissing that Emperor Tiberius was obliged to ban the practice after an epidemic of lip sores.

The French kiss itself was invented in the Brittany village of Pays de Mont as a substitute for sex because the population was growing too fast.

In writing, XXXs have been used to represent kisses. The origins of this go back to the days when people couldn't write signed their name with an X. To emphasize their sincerity, they would then kiss their mark. This practice of kissing the X led to the X's representing a kiss.

Human beings are not the only mammals that kiss. Polar bears and kangaroos kiss. Chimpanzees can and do French kiss. Sea lions rub mouths, a male mouse licks the mouth of a female mouse, and an elephant sometimes brushes its trunk against another elephant's lips.

An American insurance company discovered that men were less likely to have a car accident if they were kissed before they set off.

Germans rub noses, as do a good many other peoples. Polynesians like a nose rub but also enjoy the mitakuku, which involves biting hairs from eyebrows. Trobriand islanders bit each other's eyelashes. In China they touch each other's cheeks and then sniff.

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"