Wednesday

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Howard Stern.

The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I've offended people all over the country."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next was Bill Clinton.

"What is your sin?"

Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife."

The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."

The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnny: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision."

The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnny answered, "Legs."

The teacher then asked, "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide!

Before he could stop Johnny 's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

September 5 is... Be Late For Something Day

Scientists Develop Antidote for Burping Sheep

BERLIN (Reuters - Monday, June 21, 2004) - Scientists have developed a serum to reduce methane gas in burping sheep, cows and other ruminants to combat global warming, a German magazine reported on Monday. The Hanover-based monthly Technology Review will report in its July issue that Andre-Denis Wright, a molecular biologist at Australia's CSIRO Institute, has found a vaccine that reduced the methane emissions of sheep by eight percent.

The magazine said that scientists believe the amounts can be reduced even further and more testing is planned. Sheep produce 20 grams of methane each day, or seven kg per year, the magazine with 80,000 subscribers reported. Cows produce about 114 kg per year of methane (CH4) -- a gas 21 times more powerful as a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide, the main gas blamed for driving up temperatures. Much of the methane gas comes from agriculture, such as livestock emissions from cows and sheep, and waste dumps.

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked at the wrong address."

You might be a redneck if…

You own a homemade fur coat.

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

One morning a helicopter crew from my squadron got an order to pick up a mental patient and deliver him to an aircraft carrier. The passenger boarded the copter unescorted, but when it landed on the carrier, four Marines charged in, restrained the bewildered passenger, and unceremoniously delivered him to the ship's doctor.

Then the flight crew received another message: "Replace mental patient with dental patient." The poor guy had a toothache.