Saturday

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of their fondest memories of the trip.

They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower, when there was a sudden flash of lightning that struck the tower, totally destroying it.

The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price.

The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.

Don't expect your love alone to make a neat person out of a messy one.

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

"What? What on earth for?" asked the incredulous driver.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

You might be a redneck if…

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grandmother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask.
About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"
I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy."
Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"