Sunday

Old Man Dean, a miser and reprobate of some renown in the community, at last suffered a health crisis and was rushed to hospital late one evening.

He lay unconscious through the night, but rallied at dawn and, by and by, was well enough to receive visitors.

A local parson, hearing of Dean's misfortune and recalling that at one time he had been a member of his congregation, determined to make a call. After brief pleasantries were exchanged, the preacher began an earnest appeal for the old boy to mend his ways and return to the flock.

He explained how the patient should be thankful that he was spared, and at some length inquired if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the incident.

"Don't be ridiculous," replied Dean, "the attack lasted only 6 hours!"

After much careful historical (hysterical?) research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother
Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white
Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh

The cousin who wasn't allowed to leave
the country:
M. Barr Gogh

His magician uncle
Wheredid D. Gogh

His Mexican cousin
Ahmee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's anglo half brother
Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach
Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh

His nephew psycoanalyst
E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew
Poh Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
Winnie Bay Gogh

And so it goghs...

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:

1) A Woman
2) A Donkey
3) A Shovel
4) A Fish
5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged, he said...

"I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads...

'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"

You might be a redneck if…

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read
'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading
'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read:

'MAIN ENTRANCE'

It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school, and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I'd deal with it.
I hadn't reckoned on my little tattletales, however, they rushed into the house with the news: "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!"
Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?"
"I turned up the volume on the radio." I confessed.