Monday

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Americans, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom:

"Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

After having a flat tire in front of a mental hospital, the driver was busily removing the lug nuts and putting them in the hub cap when it tipped over and all the lug nuts fell down the drain.

Psst. Hey Mister.

The driver looked up and saw an inmate looking at him through the iron bar fence. Don't let that bother you. Just take one nut off each wheel and put it on the tire you just replaced.

That is brilliant. I thought this is a mental hospital, so how did you think of that?

Look, mister, I may be crazy but I ain't nuts.

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.

"Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"

Men stopping at the john in the Virgin Airways Clubhouse in New York's John F. Kennedy airport, terminal 4, are in for a little surprise - urinals shaped like a woman's mouth, complete with bright red lipstick, wide open and ready for business.

"In anything that we do there has to be a smile, and that’s the smile in this Clubhouse," said John Riordan, Vice President of Customer Services for Virgin Airways.

The Netherlands based company Bathroom Mania designed the urinals, which are appropriately called Kisses. "Kisses - the sexy urinal, makes a daily event a blushing experience! This is one target men will never miss!," said the Bathroom Mania team via e-mail from the Netherlands.

Bathroom Mania's other designs include the Good Morning Sunshine flower potty, and the Splish Splash bathtub shaped like a hammock.

You might be a redneck if…

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy.

He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.