Monday

No. It's not a cat it's...

An un-programmable animal.

A four footed allergen.

A hair relocation expert.

A treat-seeking missile.

A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

A small, furry lap fungus.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in!" H.R. Haldeman

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

You might be a redneck if…

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long."

Dear Sir:

We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid photo which we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use your photo as our "Playgirl's Man of the Month".

When rated by our AAW (Avaricious American Women) on a scale of 1- 10, your body was rated a minus 2 (-2). The panel is comprised of widowed females ranging in ages from 50-75 years of age who have been deprived of sexual activity for a minimum of five years.

To confirm your below average rating, we submitted your photograph to a second panel, the HUHA (Horny Undersexed Housewives of America), whose age range from 25 - 35. However, we could not get them to contain their laughter long enough to rate you.

Please be assured, that should the tastes of American women deteriorate so drastically that a body such as yours would be in demand, you will be notified. Meanwhile, please do not call us, we will call you.

Sincerely,
PLAYGIRL INC.

P.S. It pains us to inform you, that had your photo been used, the staple holding our centerfold together would have completely obstructed what you refer to as your "love tool of the 21st Century".