Sunday

This is why we trail so many countries in math...I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Uh Oh!!
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

A Southern family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the damned Yankee neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"

"Then she gave it to the policeman," the boy said.

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

You might be a redneck if…

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."