Saturday

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. ' I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen more Senators on the stoop.

The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.

Three men are waiting outside the delivery room with the hospital chaplain as the nurse comes out and calls, "Mr. Smith, congratulations you have twins!" Mr. Smith replies, "That's so funny because I work for the Minnesota Twins."

Shortly thereafter another nurse comes out and announces "Mr. Jones, congratulations you have triplets!" Mr. Jones replies, "Wow, that's kind of amazing the last guy worked for the Twins and had twins -- I had triplets and I work for Triple A."

Just then the third gentleman turns ghostly white and begins sweating, as he darts for the door the chaplain stops him and says, "Son, your wife is in having your child why are you leaving like this?" The gentleman replies "The first guy had twins and works for the Twins... the second works for Triple A and had triplets... I work for 7-Eleven."

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

You might be a redneck if…

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

[This joke is just plain stupid. Actually, I'm embarrassed to run it, but I don't have a decent one to put in its place. I apologize in advance.]

The hunched back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.

DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir. (Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)

HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)

DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?

HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?