Friday

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did.
The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset.

At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts... too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!!!

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.

The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.

The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.

"Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.

The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.

The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice.

The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried,

"Mother of Mary, he's right! Farty-two!"

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

You might be a redneck if…

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try.

After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?"

"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."

"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"

"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating branch managers and no one noticed anything. But nooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"