Thursday

The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that wanted to know:
Single__, Married__, Divorced__.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was filling out the same form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.
Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."

PUN ALERT!! SO BAD!

Q: Whats the difference between a batman and a thief?
A: Batman can go without Robin.

Q. Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected some change in the weather.

Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Q. Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
A. An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.

Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Season's Greetings.

Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!

Q. What's brown and sticky??
A. A stick.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does...".

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."

At that, the car floated up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Google Copernicus Center is hiring [ Click Here ]

Google is interviewing candidates for engineering positions at our lunar hosting and research center, opening late in the spring of 2007. This unique opportunity is available only to highly-qualified individuals who are willing to relocate for an extended period of time, are in top physical condition and are capable of surviving with limited access to such modern conveniences as soy low-fat lattes, The Sopranos and a steady supply of oxygen.

The Google Copernicus Hosting Environment and Experiment in Search Engineering (G.C.H.E.E.S.E.) is a fully integrated research, development and technology facility at which Google will be conducting experiments in entropized information filtering, high-density high-delivery hosting (HiDeHiDeHo) and de-oxygenated cubicle dwelling. This center will provide a unique platform from which Google will leapfrog current terrestrial-based technologies and bring information access to new heights of utility.

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too." As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days..."