Wednesday

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

"Smoking helps you lose weight one lung at a time!"

Bizarre Music FACTS
Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba (1861-1931).
Elvis favorite collectibles were official badges. He collected police badges in almost every city he performed in.
Duran Duran took their name from a mad scientists in the movie Barbarella.
The world's largest disco was held at the Buffalo Convention Centre, New York, 1979. 13,000 danced a place into the Guinness Book of World Records.
In August 1983, Peter Stewart of Birmingham, UK set a world record by disco dancing for 408 hours.
The Beatles song "Martha My Dear" was written by Paul McCartney about his sheepdog Martha.
The harmonica is the world's best-selling music instrument.
Themes from movies Unforgiven, A Perfect World, The Bridges of Madison County, and Absolute Power were all written by Clint Eastwood.
The only guy without a beard in ZZTOP surname (last name) is Beard.
The Carpenters signature song, We've Only Just Begun, was originally part of a television commercial for a California bank.

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband. He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

You might be a redneck if…

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Message from the Department of Homeland Security

When you are out buying plastic, duct tape and toilet paper, to protect yourself from germ warfare, don't forget fresh batteries for your flashlights, because in the dark you don't want to mix up the duct tape and toilet paper!

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel.

It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"