Saturday

Ways to describe how stupid a person is:

1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiement in artifical stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

* Indubitably
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

* Specificity
* Antidisestablishmentarianism
* Loquacious
* Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

You might be a redneck if…

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Here in Ohio, there's a six month waiting period for filing for divorce.

But there's only a 15 day waiting period to buy a handgun.

It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems. . .

Random Cartoon Title: First pessimist