Monday

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

Around 2am she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out o' here!"

Seattle Sonics guard Ray Allen, stating the obvious: "Every time we've lost, it's because we didn't score enough points."

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, I asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

You might be a redneck if…

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.
-- Stone Temple Pilots

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
-- Winnie the Pooh

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.
-- Charles Caleb Colton

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen. Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.

Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
-- Mencius

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay
-- Dave Matthews

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,
I wouldn't jump with them,
I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.;
-- Tim McGraw

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.;
-- Lee Iacocca

Hold a true friend with both your hands.;
-- Nigerian Proverb

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.;
-- Unknown