In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
March 12, 2027
What does an American crow weigh when fully grown?
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No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. - Author - Charles Dickens
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. - Frank Tibolt
If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comfort will do no more for us than a golden slipper on a gouty foot. - Bunyan
Top speed of a chicken at full gallop: 9 mph.
The salt scattered on American highways each winter to keep cars from skidding on snow and ice represents 10 percent of the world's annual output of the mineral.
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil..
"The hat check girl puts out!"
If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
**POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
"You wanna wank?" she asked.
"You bet," came the excited reply.
"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
You might be a redneck if…
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
Political Correctness and Halloween
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
' Witch burning Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
' Window waxing These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
' Trick-or-treating This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
' Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft- bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
' Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
What does an American crow weigh when fully grown?
The American crow (Corvus brachyrhynchos) weighs approximately one pound when fully grown.
The American Crow needs little description. It is a large (17 to 21-inch), completely black bird. It has a purplish gleam in strong sunlight. The tail is fan-shaped, the bill and feet strong and black. The only other large black bird is the Raven.
This sociable bird is found among deciduous growth along rivers and streams; orchards and city parks. It will also frequent mixed and coniferous woods, but avoids closed coniferous forests and desert expanses. Its voice, a loud caw caw or cah cah, is easily imitated.
The Crow breeds from British Columbia, central interior Canada and Newfoundland south to Southern California, the Gulf Coast and Florida. It winters north to southern Canada.
The nest is a well-made bowl of sticks lined with feathers, grass and rootlets built in a tree. There it lays 4-6 greenish eggs that are spotted with dark brown.
The Crows diet is varied: seeds, garbage, insects and mice. It is well-known for its nest-plundering, but in orchards and fields it destroys many injurious insects. Crows do destroy many eggs and nestlings of woodland and meadow birds, but they also weed out the weak and feeble, and they alert the animals in a neighborhood when danger approaches.