Tuesday

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is $75 per visit."

"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for free!"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

My town is so tough....

Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register

Ice-cream trucks that play "taps"

Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales

High school newspapers with obituary columns

Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb

Chapters of Jehovah's Alibiers

Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand

Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer

Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys

Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw

A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list

"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"

Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man

The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door."

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my muff and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?!'"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug."

"So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"

You might be a redneck if…

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Q: How can you tell if a redneck has been working in your office?
A: Your monitor is up on blocks.

"My grandpa, known for his offbeat sense of humor, adopted a dog and named him Mr. Peeve.

I took the bait, asked why he named it that.

He said, "Because when people ask the dogs name. I can say That's my pet Peeve."