Wednesday

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government.

The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"

The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."

There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frog doesn 't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting. Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.

"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.

You might be a redneck if…

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

On Being Bald...
'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'
'No my child. Why do you ask?'
" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.
He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.
There's one proverb that really depresses him:
'Hair today, gone tomorrow.'
He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.
It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.
There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.
There's a new remedy on the market for baldness.
It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.

The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."