Thursday

My friend Agnes is an accomplished harpist who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties, and other such events. She is also blonde and has an appropriately cherubic face.
She was on her way to an engagement at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, and she stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on. As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and asked,
"And just how far up are you going?"

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."

I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."

She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F."

I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T."

The lady was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time.

Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."

The lady, finally deciding to explain, said, "T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"

I answered back, "S - H - I - T....... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

You might be a redneck if…

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed!"

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."