Wednesday

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.
"You know," he said to our grandson Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerfully. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Old People's pickup lines:

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said," when I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Bizarre Police Reports

In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an social security agent to interview him.

"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"

"You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.