Sunday

Tips On Motherhood

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
The joy of motherhood: the time when all the children are finally in bed.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

ABC's OF AGING

A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,

And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed

You might be a redneck if…

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to take a dump all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not crap all over my stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

Random Cartoon Title: Broken Brakes