Monday

Actual Excuse Notes

These are actual excuse notes to teachers from parents (including spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had--diahre--dyrea--direathe--- the shits.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to buy lottery tickets instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on fish bait instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"

"Will you use the money to buy a ticket to the Chiefs game?" the man asked.

"Are you crazy?" the homeless man replied. "I wouldn't pay to see folks beat upon other folks. I have seen enough of that on the streets."

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, ball games, gambling, and fishing."

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

You might be a redneck if…

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The customer places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the clients asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"