Tuesday

Be Careful Using Liquid Bandage

MARTINSBURG, W.Va. - When Joyce Stewart sits down to her daily cup of coffee, she likely won't attempt first aid on herself again. On Monday morning, Stewart used Minnesota-based 3M's liquid bandage to treat a crack on her heel and within minutes her foot was glued to the floor. It took three paramedics over an hour and a bottle of baby oil to free her.

Stewart, 59, of Martinsburg had positioned her left foot so that her heel was off of the floor and applied the liquid to the back of her foot. Without realizing, the liquid had run from the back to the ball of her foot before she placed her foot flat on the floor again.

Soon after, her grandson came in from playing and asked for pancakes. When Stewart tried to get up and move to the kitchen, she couldn't.

"I said, 'Oh my gosh, I'm stuck,'" Stewart said.

Stewart said that her relatives first thought she was joking. With a knife, she tried to loosen the linoleum's grasp on her foot. But after skin began to pull away and her foot started to bleed, Stewart said she realized it was no laughing matter.

She sought help from her daughter, who lives next door. When family members failed to solve the problem, they called 911.

Though the package states that the product runs easily and sets quickly while warning against getting the product on furniture, counters or clothes, it says nothing about warning against the gluing of body parts.

"They should have that on there," Stewart said.

Representatives from 3M have offered to pay for her medical expenses, Stewart said. She is expected to make a full recovery, but it may take her pride a bit longer to heal.

"I was embarrassed," she said. "I was still in my robe."

A company spokeswoman reached Wednesday morning in Minnesota did not have an immediate comment.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day

Four gay guys shared a house, one day 3 died in a wreck. David (the surviving) was asked to plan the funeral arrangements of Ralph, George and John.

David: Well Ralph wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread over the mountains, because he loved the mountains so much.

Undertaker: That is so sweet.

David: Well George wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread over the ocean, because he loved the ocean so much.

Undertaker: That is so sweet.

David: And John, I want him cremated and his ashes put in a bowl of chili.

Undertaker: (Shocked) A bowl of chili?

David: Yes, a bowl of chili.

Undertaker: Why?

David: Because I want him to tear my ass up just one more time.

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well. . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Random Cartoon Title: Register b4 landing