Monday

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

After a long day of shopping, my mother and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my mother there waiting for me.

"Mom," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running."

"It's all right, dear," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."

Bill, Jim Scott were at a convention together were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

You might be a redneck if…

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. after inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"