Tuesday

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a very beautiful daughter who had one serious problem. Everything she came in contact with melted at her touch. Many were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her, despite her beauty and kind heart.

One day a wizard told the king, "If we can find one object that won't melt at your daughter's touch, this terrible curse will be lifted."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition throughout the land. Any man that comes forward with an object strong enough to hold up to her touch, will not only lift the spell but will get to marry his beautiful daughter and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamonds are the hardest material and are not capable of melting under the severest of temperatures. Alas, despite its element, as soon as the princess touched it, the diamond melted! Sad and disillusioned, the prince left the kingdom.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy, thinking it too couldn't melt under the most extreme circumstances, especially the touch of a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, the same thing happened. The alloy immediately melted after being touched for no more than one second by the princess.
Embarrassed, he too went away.

The third prince stepped forward and told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and touch what you feel in there."

The princess blushed and turned away asking her father if this was appropriate.

Her father wasn't pleased, but said yes, do as requested in hopes of breaking the spell.

Ta Da! It didn't melt!

The king was overjoyed! The people of the village rejoiced in ecstasy! The curse was finally lifted and the third prince lived happily ever after with the princess.

So what did the princess feel in the prince's pocket?

\/
\/
\/
\/

MMs of course -they melt in your mouth, not in your hands!

What were you thinking?

The ex-President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear. President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five's" everyone near him.

The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender. "Sure.", says the bartender. As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball. "What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. "Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball." "Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?" The bartender agrees.

A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" "He isn't going to eat the cue-ball is he?", asked the bartender. "No he's over that.", explained the guy. Bartender agrees.

As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut. "What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom. "Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act. "Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits.".

Spicy Chinese Proverbs!

"Virginity like bubble. . . One prick - all gone!"

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Baseball is wrong. . . Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth. . . but next to it."

"War doesn't determine who's right. . . War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cat house by day. . . sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day. . . get no piece at night!"

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"It takes many nails to build crib. . . but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement!"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."

"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion."

"Crowded elevator smells different to midget."

You might be a redneck if…

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.

Nothing happens.

He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.

Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP intothe air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No!" he replies. "Do you know anything about gas furnaces?"