Thursday

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.
When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"

William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"

Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell."

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off until it dies from starvation.

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?", she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ray!"

You might be a redneck if…

You're an expert on worm beds.

My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"

Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"

The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"