Monday

During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman. He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

Read slowly and think about each sentence.
1. Love starts with a smile, grows into a kiss, and ends with a tear.
2. Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
3. If love is not a game, why are there so many players?
4. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
5. You can only go as far as you push.
6. Actions speak louder than words.
7. The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
8. Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
9. Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
10. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, and lucky to have.
11. Some people make the world special just by being in it.
12. Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.
13. When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you; can look beside you and your best friend will be there.
14. True friendship never ends.
15. Friends are forever.
16. Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
17. Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
18. What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
19. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with him/her.
20. Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
21. Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.

"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"

Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after she had gone to one, and asked her about it.

"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a nerd in edgewise."

The best way to sell yourself to others is first to sell the others to yourself. Check yourself against this list of obstacles to a pleasing personality: interrupting others; sarcasm; vanity; being a poor listener; insincere flattery; finding fault; challenging others without good cause; giving unsolicited advice; complaining; attitude of superiority; envy of others' success; poor posture and dress.

You might be a redneck if…

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur- better'n-you Barbies. Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer park friend.

Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with:

Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!

A six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.

Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Southern USA. (Waffle House uniform sold separately.)

Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing.

Miracle-o'-procreation button - Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!

Action bitch pull string - Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' yew fuggin' kids to stay the hell outta my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuggin' cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:

Barbie double wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Play set (Sold separately).

Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust, and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two redneck Barbies. (Smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.)

Abusive boyfriend Ken with Ass kickin' leg action and pimp slap backhand. With cowboy boots and bottle of 'Jack.' Curses, and mumbles when string is pulled.

Married life Ken with Beer bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." And "Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)