Monday

Didja watch that silly show where the guys were all wearing masks? That way the girl picking 'em out couldn't see their faces and stood the chance of going home with a butt-ugly man. Monica Lewinsky was a sorta "host" on the show.

She showed up on Larry King to talk about the show and some other things, like her dramatic weight loss.

Lewinsky actually said to King, "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."

A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father."" and the man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Mary's."" The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins, I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Mary's."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is. . .

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare.

He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy "Pssssst.. Is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

Some people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and call it experience.

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate" and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded:

"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

You might be a redneck if…

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

After doctors set my broken arm and put a cast on it, I paid the bill and went on my way. Shortly thereafter, I received a bill from the hospital, this time for the $1.57 they claimed I still owed.

Apparently to prove that this was a hospital with heart, they included a payment book. It had me paying 3 cents a month for four years.

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."