Tuesday

A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call,

'Ted's or Hale's'."

Little Sally was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?"

When Sally didn't stir, little Jason, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good" and Sally fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

Sally didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Jason came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and Sally promptly fell back asleep.

Once again the teacher called upon Sally and asked a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Jason jabbed her with the pin.

This time Sally jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!"

Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates?

The maitre d' met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve.

"Madam," he said, "Your Bounce."