Thursday

Amanpreet was at the county fair when he happened upon a fortune teller's tent. Thinking, "What the heck, it'll be good for a laugh or two," he dashed inside and sat down.

The fortune teller took his money, lowered the lights, and gazed into her crystal ball. "Ahhh," she said, "I see you are the father of two children!"

"Ha!" Lizard Pecker said, "That's what you think. I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

You are no longer "cool" when ...

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12. Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
13. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
14. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
15. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
16. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
17. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
18. When someone mentions surfing, you picture waves and a surf board.

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."

You might be a redneck if…

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Burger King's New Meat'Normous Sandwich...

10. "How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?"

9. "Am I comfortable using the word, 'meat'normous'?"

8. "Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?"

7. "Is that bigger than meat'gantic?"

6. "Does a massive coronary qualify as 'having it my way'?"

5. "Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?"

4. "Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?"

3. "Why do I have to sign a waiver?"

2. "Can I get it with egg whites?"

1. "Did Cheney like it?"

An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels.