Wednesday

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for four decades.

Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard, being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

"My new pet elephant," Bill replies solemnly.

"Columbus sailed
the ocean blue,
In Fourteen Hundred
& Ninety Two..."

On October 13,
We commemorate the discovery of America.
We reflect on our nations' beginnings.
We honor the Native Americans before us.
We remember the Age of Discovery
and its brave souls.
We debate the controversies
And reexamine the world at the time,
It's values, it's societies, it's expectations.

On October 13,
We celebrate the discovery of America,
But more importantly,
We celebrate the world
That we have become on...

Columbus Day

Why do they call it "Saturday Night Live" when over half of it is on Sunday?

Highly Illogical Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!" "

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

My husband and I had been married for about a year when my brother-in-law, a career Navy man, stationed in Guam at the time, called to tell us that he was marrying a Chinese- Malaysian girl he met there.

My mother-in-law flew to Guam for the wedding, and on her return all she could talk about was how sweet and refined the girl was and how careful we had to be when they came home for Christmas not to offend her sensibilities. She was really worried about me, I think, because she hadn't yet quite come to grips with the fact that I hung out of helicopters with a camera and traveled with an all male camera crew for a living.

When they arrived for Christmas my mother-in-law had a large reception for them and everything went well until she ask her new daughter in-law how their trip to the states went. Well, this lovely soft spoken girl, with the face of an angel, launched into a story, in the finest navy language, with a broken accent, I have ever heard. "Dat som-o-beech he fart on plane, it smell sooo' bad all people have to move, den dat mudder-fucker he jus' sit there an' laugh. I tell him, I keeck his ass but I afraid I get sheet on my shoe!"

My poor mother-in-law turned white, then red, and every else tried to stifle giggles or act as if they didn't hear it. Of course I, being devoid of any social graces, just roared and hugged my new sister-in-law, while assuring her the gas problem ran in the family.

We have been great friends ever since, and my sweet mother-in- law has finally gotten over the shock of it all.

You might be a redneck if…

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg-gathering. Being an intelligent, efficient woman, it wasn‘t long before she was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting.
One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg productivity. The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the morning and one at night, without fail. The second hen laid at least one a day, sometimes two, and the third rarely laid a second egg.
One morning, Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be infatuated with her. The hen followed Tina around the barnyard making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen didn‘t lay. This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings.
Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask, in a song,
"What‘s love got to do with it? What‘s love but a second hen demotion?"

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"