Tuesday

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

What is 100%

Here is a little bit of information I learned that could be of invaluable help to us in the future. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

But look at this, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+ 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and, ATTITUDE will get you there, BULLSHIT and ASSKISSING will put you over the top.

Case closed!!

September 11 is... No News Is Good News Day

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter, just as services are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church, and there wasn't a pew available; several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and stage whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."

The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"

"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister, but the usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.

The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshippers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

Since when did those little bitty germs that invade your body learn how to tell time?

I got sick Saturday night. After telling my sister the symptoms she said that it was either the 12 hour stomach virus, 24 hour stomach virus or 48 hour stomach virus.

Why 12, 24 or 48 hours? Why not the 8 hour stomach bug?

That way, I can call in sick and get better as soon as 5:00 PM rolls around.

I wonder if there are 14-1/2 hours stomach viruses?

Well whatever...I am feeling much better now. Turns out I had the 12 hour kind.

You might be a redneck if…

Your family tree does not fork.

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."