Saturday

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Now You Know Why I'm Not Allowed Back In Church,

Back when I was about 7, Rev. Kendig was trying to explain in Sunday School that Jesus loved everyone.

I raised my hand. "Everyone?"

"Yes, everyone. Even you, Ray."

"Well, what about dumbasses?"

"RAY! We DON'T use words like that in the Lord's House."

"But Rev. Kendig. Brotha Edsel calls me a 'smart ass.' He even put it in my file. So, if he can say that, why can't I say 'dumbass'?"

"Fine, fine," Rev Kendig continued, "yes, Jesus even loves smart asses and dumbasses. Jesus loves everyone."

I shot my hand back up, "What about dip-shits and douche- bags?"

"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"

The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.

The woman said "You're going out as that?"

"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink. He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"

The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house." He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks... "Wait a minute, my dad died years ago." He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..."

You might be a redneck if…

You've never paid for a haircut.

"Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
Bruce Lansky

"On a recent survey, 80 per cent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied."
Bruce Lansky

"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."
Arnold Palmer

"Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."
"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"
After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest into the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the mess sergeant.
"It's all right, Son," he said. "You can grab seconds."