Sunday

A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says... "Why, I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?!" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

Byron tells me that when the driver of a huger tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do -- write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

You might be a redneck if…

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare ass in the air and gawked.

Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a petunia."

Looking up websites on infertility, I found an address that sounded interesting. I clicked on the link and was taken to a site that said, "This page is still under construction."

I looked closer and saw in smaller print: "Check back in nine months and see what we've accomplished."

I book marked the address and went back several months later. Posted was a full-page picture of a beautiful seven-pound, four-ounce baby girl.