Friday

Greeting cards for all occasions

My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out
you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.

You totaled your car and can't remember why.
Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian. He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.

He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"

Circular Definition&; see Definition, Circular.

Doctors Guns

DOCTORS:
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000 (B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000 (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%

Statistics courtesy of the U.S. Dept of Health Human Services

GUNS:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is
80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500 (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%

Statistics courtesy of the FBI.

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on ATTORNEYS for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical help.

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.
"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."

You might be a redneck if…

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker -"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"

Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."