Saturday

OUTRAGEOUS QUOTES!

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." * Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." * Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." * George Burns

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' " * Sandra Bullock

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" * Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." * Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" * Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." * Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." * Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." * Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch." * Jack Nicholson

There was a guy who had a 50" love tool. He goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I can't have any sex because my privates are too long."

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, medically I can not do any thing for you, but I know a witch who can." The doctor gave the man directions to the witch.

The man goes to the witch and says, "Witch, my penis is too long and no women want to have sex with me."

The witch asked him to pull it out.

The man does and the witch stares at it in amazement.

Then the witch says, "There is a frog down at the pond in the forest. Each time you ask it to marry you and it says no, your penis will get 10 inches shorter."

The man runs down to the pond and spots the frog. He asks it to marry him and the frog says no.

The man looks down at his tool and sees that it has shrunk 10 inches.

The man thinks that "This is great!" He asks the frog to marry him again.

The frog says no and man's tool gets 10" shorter. He still thinks that 30" is too long, so one more time he asks the frog to marry him.

The frog then yells back to him, "Like I said, No, No, and, for the last time, No!"

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.

Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter.

Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me; I'd like a beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender.
"I'm afraid I can't take that, Sir," says the bartender.
The man pulls out a $10 bill, and the bartender rejects that also. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a singles bar."

You might be a redneck if…

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied,

"I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.