Tuesday

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your new gal!"

The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"

"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!".

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey, "one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children, "she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish, just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

You might be a redneck if…

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

"How's your mother," a friend asked.
"Not good," I answered. "She's got chronic frontal sinusitis."
"My goodness," the friend said. "Where did she get that?"
"Reader's Digest. Last month's issue."

A man is struck in the head by a rock during a demonstration in Israel. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"Oh, I do OK." he replied. "Some part time work here there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."