Sunday

A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry.

"Oh, Sherry," she said, "by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion...

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

"No, Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."

Set high goals for your employees and help them attain them.

Don't Sweat Aging!

The biggest problem with the younger generation these days is that I don't belong to it any more.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times....(At my age, that's true of everything you can possibly ever say.)

I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose... some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.

The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age... But they haven't made one called, "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down... It's too hard to get back up.

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room. A young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said; "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

You might be a redneck if…

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."