Saturday

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy!"

A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...

5% said it was to get a glass of water...

12% said it was to go to the toilet...

83% said it was to go home

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up 'till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been.

The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"

New definitions to learn
SALESMAN man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL person who likes to see other people stew.
EGOCENTRIC a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
TRAFFIC LIGHT apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL the ability to eat only one peanut.