In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
Punday · July 5, 2027
How is chocolate made?
+----- Answer At The End -----+
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. - Voltaire
Make sure to be in with your equals if you're going to fall out with your superiors. -- Jewish Proverb
Never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of your mother-in-law. -- Japanese Proverb
As a child, Blaise Pascal once locked himself in his room for several days, not allowing anyone to come in. When he came out, he had figured out all of Euclid's goemetrical propositions totally by himself.
When a car is "totaled," you'd think it would be junked. Yet 20% of vehicles totaled between '93 and '99 were rebuilt, reregistered, and put back on the road, according to CONSUMER REPORTS.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"
The student replied, "BIG ones."
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home. That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass."
"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a Hanukkah celebration.
"Madison chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a barbecue."
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29".
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself.
Then while waiting for the bus home, she asks a nice older man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies with a satisfied smile, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!"
Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
You might be a redneck if…
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 16.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends will love you, anyway. . .no matter what!
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't wan't to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything, I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that;- #1 you have to be single and,- #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too."
"Okay," the nun says, "pull into the next alley."
He does and she fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they got back on the road the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's okay, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.
How is chocolate made?
The creation of this confection is tedious and time-consuming, and has both a sweet and a bittersweet ending. Initially, skilled workers cut ripe cacao bean pods from the cacao tree, split them open, and scrape out the pulp contained inside. After the mass of pulp ferments for a few days, workmen spread it in the hot sun to dry, separate the dried seeds from the remainder of the pulp, and bag them for shipment to the market.
Once the bagged seeds arrive at their destination, the manufacturer's processing mill, they are cleaned to remove foreign material. Next, they are roasted, to loosen their husks, which are then literally blown away in yet another process. Finally, the inner kernel of the seed is broken into bits called "nibs." At this juncture, the road in the chocolate making process forks, as what is done next with the nibs determines the final product.
When the nibs are ground under heavy stone mills, the oil within the nibs is released, and transforms the mass into "chocolate liquor," a thick substance which, upon hardening, produces the bitter chocolate used in recipes for baking and for candy-making. The method of producing sweet chocolate follows that of producing bitter chocolate, with the addition of other substances, such as cocoa butter, a fat.
Workmen obtain cocoa butter, a byproduct of the cocoa making process, by grinding the nibs, and by separating part of the fat from the resulting mass. Not only is cocoa butter an essential ingredient in producing sweet chocolate, but also in producing cosmetics and medicines. Once the cocoa butter is extracted for its various uses, the remaining mass is finely, and finally, ground to produce cocoa.
Cocoa, the drink, is the mother of all chocolate making. The ancient Aztecs prepared the original version of this beverage by crushing cacao beans, which they boiled with water and various spices, seasoned with pepper, and served cold.
Spanish explorers, who stumbled upon this potent Aztec drink, stole the recipe, deleted the pepper from it, and substituted an equal measure of sugar to the crushed cacao beans and water before boiling it. The Spaniards successfully squirreled away their new and improved drink recipe for almost 100 years until, in the mid 17th century, a Frenchman found sweet success by discovering the art of making solid chocolate from finely ground cacao beans.
The secret was out, and the rest is history!