Tuesday

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore,"
she announced with finality.

"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."

"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.

"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says,
"No thanks, I just bought some."

Education experts are worried that major world events like 9/11 and the war in Iraq are happening too quickly for college students to get a chance to study them properly.

But the major universities say there's no need for alarm, as they promise to continue hiring professors with no idea about what's going on in the real world anyway.

You might be a redneck if…

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists. A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230 degrees, believe it to be a log."

Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to report!"

There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the Chief Radar man was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log - one male, the other female!"

Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is to get a vasectomy.

The nurse comes into the room and tells both men "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle him as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!"