Friday

The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

His son says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?' George say-um, 'Cannot tell-um lie, Father.

Me chop-um down cherry tree.' Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.'

Now I ask-um you again... you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

His son says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The Chief proceeds to give-um big wuping to his son.

The son says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth... why you give-um me big wuping?"

The Chief says, "Georgie's father not sit-um in cherry tree."

After being expelled from his last school, little Johnny was enrolled in a Catholic School. On his first day in the new school, he went to the cafeteria for lunch. The children were lined up patiently getting their lunches.

At the head of the serving line was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a sign by the apples that said: "Take only one, God is watching."

Little Johnny saw the sign, then found a piece of paper, made a sign of his own and placed it at the other end of the serving line, in front of a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. It said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.
The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

You might be a redneck if…

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.

"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

Famous Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury. George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.