Saturday

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find he was in the care of nuns in a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you out?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters, nuns are married to God."

The man replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.

At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?"

"Any time, Ma'am," the guard replied. "We never close Canada."

My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it. So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery.
The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again. But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse.
The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune. It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.

You might be a redneck if…

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every 3 years and his wife with a Honda mini-van to help with the children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee his kids get a fine college education!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"