Sunday

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers.

She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."

The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."

With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Screw you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 25 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Rings a bell?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died and no one had been ringing the bells since his death. A gnome applied to the abbe,but the abbe was put off as the gnome was even uglier than the hunchback had been, and he had a large flat spot in the middle of his forehead. The gnome pleaded for the job and the abbe agreed to test him. The gnome did not touch the ropes,but proceeded to the bell tower, jumping and hitting each bell in the appropriate changes. The flat spot on his face appeared to give great tone to the bells. The abbe gave him the job immediately.

Attendance at church improived dramatically, and people came from near and far to hear the changes sounded. One Sunday morning, however, the gnome ran too fast, missed a bell, and fell several hundred feet SPLAT! on the paving in front of the church. A crowd gathered and one brave soul turned the gnome over. "Who is it?" whispered the crowd. I don't know said the brave soul, but his face rings a bell!!

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."